It all part of it.
Those five words up there is constantly reminded to me by my colleagues and friends. I am seen as generally extrovert and transparent. They just don't know that I am bothered also by other factors aside from work.
Work is my life. Unavoidably personal too. Work can be my facade. There are things better kept to myself, because it's way more personal. Personal that is inspirational and destructive at times.
Right now, I can not tell whether I am sad or frustrated, angry or stunned. I really don't know what it is I am feeling exactly. But I am definitely sure that I am not happy.
Emptiness seemed to engulf my system again. I am staring blankly at my notes and on my computer screen. I had my drink last night... hard drinks. I made it an excuse of me being non-functional. But it is just an excuse. I know my limit and I drink responsibly.
I am really lost of thoughts. Lost of words.
I feel bad of realizing that is quite obvious all along. Perhaps I kept on denying it from the start because I did like him. I enjoyed every moment we were together, drinking, chatting, smoking, ranting... I see myself from him and what I wanted myself to be. I thought there will be something for me from him. Akala ko... (I thought)
And indeed, all "akala" are wrong.
I am wrong again.
I feel bad of learning I am wrong.
I such a fool that I denied it from the start that it's all "akala".
I hate myself of having the same mistakes again and again.... and still... again.
I feel stupid... really... really... stupid.
If I told it straight to his face that I do like him, will I be strong enough or at least poised enough to accept his WORST reply?
Problem is I don't have the guts to say it.
I am bubbly. I am strong. That's how many sees it. But inside I cry and crumble... a lot.
Another crack in my fortress that I am building.
2 comments:
Nemcy, I don't know what might work for you but insofar as the task of steering the boat in a tide of emotions, it has been very helpful for me to: Recognize the tide of emotions (which direction is it going? Am I being too high or too low?), so I can steer to keep from being swept away or engulfed by it; to know better how it is crucial to take responsibility for my emotions and my thoughts.
There is a method of dealing with the tide of emotions, and I blogged about it some time ago here http://www.korakora.org/wordpress/archives/162 - basically, the method relates to "Finding the Still Point, Making Use of Moods" by Gerald O’Mahoney. It is based on the author’s own past of severe numerous breakdowns brought by various ocassions. The book also draws much from The Spiritual Exercises by St. Ignatius de Loyola, the founder of the Jesuit order (O’Mahoney himself is a Jesuit for 41 years and a priest for 29 years).
My take on the spiritual/religious approach of O'Mahoney and St. Ignatius (as the Jesuits do) is more in the context of the Filipino concept of "diwa." Basically, it's the same approach with just a different language. Overall, my emotional swings have gotten more understandable, controllable and sometimes I even look forward to the swings because I've come to see the challenge as an opportunity to become spiritually stronger. :)
Thanks, Fats!
Will check it out. Right now, I am drowning myself with work... unfortunately, he is kind of "related" to work... hehehe! Still believe that mind is that powerful to overcome it all. I believe that If I won't have any idle time spared doing nothing, I won't remember "it"...
I wish it's just as easy as changing your pants... or better yet, since it's your favorite pants and wanted to wear it all the time... it's as easy as washing the dirt from it. Hahaha!!! Though, wearing it quite often will worn it out, then throw it away and get a new one... quite hard to find a new comfy one but you have to. Unless you want to walk around in undies... hahaha!
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